Dear Logan
by TheLaikynVictoria
Summary: Letters to Logan. They're heartbroken and don't know what to do. Will writing letters really help? VERY ANGSTY. NO SLASH.
1. Kendall's Letter

**_A/N- Okay, during writing my other BTR stories and my NCIS fics, I had an idea. This is it. Be warned that this will be VERY angsty. There will be three more oneshots. (So I guess this is a...Fourshot? LOL)  
>Go ahead and 'alert' this fic here, as I'll post each 'shot' in this one. Please review! It only takes a minute! :) <em>**

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><p><em>Dear Logan,<em>

_Our therapist said that writing letters to you would help us feel better. Would help us...I don't know, I guess cope? Anyway, I don't know how to put in words what I'm feeling right now. (That's another thing he said: Be honest with how we feel.) _

_Whatever._

_Well, Logan, I guess I'll start by saying I miss you. I miss you so much. I don't understand why you had to leave like you did. I mean, I know it really wasn't your fault, but I can't help but be a little mad at you sometimes. I don't mean to be nor want to be, I just am. _

_Just so you know, this might seem rambling, so bear with me. When I found out, it didn't really register. My mom's words were ringing in my head, over and over again, yet it didn't seem to click, y'know? I was just sitting at the kitchen counter in 2J, staring into space. My mom later on told me that she was totally freaked out, thinking that I had just lost it, but really I was just trying to understand it. You were just...Gone. _

_While I was sitting there, James walked in. He could tell that something was up and my mom told him what had happened. He looked as though he got the air knocked out of him. He stumbled backward and fell to the floor. He made no noises, but his back was heaving up and down like he was sobbing. Even _that_ didn't help make it register in my brain. _

_Carlos came in next, his helmet lopsided and a big smile on his face that was gone the moment he saw James, me and my mom. Mom told him, and it was obvious it hurt her even more each time she said it. _

_Carlos' reaction was the strangest of all. He just kind of cocked his head, taking his helmet off slowly. _

_"No, he's..He's not.." He'd said. "I just saw him a couple hours ago." _

_My mom attempted to gently explain what had happened, but he wouldn't here of it. He kept shaking his head as he slowly started to back toward the door. His helmet fell from his hands and it rolled to the side. _

_"No!" Was the last thing Carlos had to say on the matter as he ran out the door. I haven't seen him at all since then except in therapy. _

_Speaking of which, we moved back to Minnesota. I mean, we couldn't exactly be Big Time Rush without our fourth member. Kelly was super sad to see us go, but she understood. Gustavo tried to act like he didn't care, but we all know he's just as heartbroken as the rest of us. _

_Katie is totally not herself anymore. I mean, she feels like she's lost a brother, Logan, because in every sense of the word, you _were_ her brother. You grew up right along with her and you were...No, you __are__ her brother. _

_Needless to say, we're all pretty depressed, Logie. We all miss you and want nothing more for you to walk through the door, saying it was all a mistake. _

_But all too soon, reality comes crashing down and we know that you're not going to because you. Are. Gone. _

_Which is why I think it's totally stupid to be writing this letter. But the therapist said it would help, so I don't know.._

_I don't know what to do anymore. I'm failing in school, and so are James and Carlos. Well, whenever Carlos shows up, that is. There have been too many times that I go to his house after school to see what was up to find him sitting in his room, staring at pictures. _

_That reminds me. Carlos has been cutting. I don't know if he's done it recently, but I know he at least did. One time, when I went to his house, I found him asleep, clutching a picture of the four of us in one hand, the other hand hanging over the side of the bed. There was a razor blade on the ground and blood stains on his pulled-down sleeves. The picture was the one from the first day of second grade. We're all in the parking lot of the school, or backpacks on our backs and we're all smiling really big. We're the essence of the people we would later become in that picture, you know. You have toy stethoscope hanging around your neck, James has a comb in his hand, I'm carrying a hockey stick and Carlos is wearing his first-ever helmet. The picture is just...Us. I miss us. __The four of us._

_I remember Carlos saying that 'everything is different when it's just the three of us' when we thought James had just totally blew us off, and that couldn't be more true. With three of us, it's just not...Normal. I wish I could go back in time and change it. I'd have stayed in the apartment with you that day instead of going on a date with Jo. I would have done anything to keep you from getting in the cab._

_I'm sorry, Logie. I'm so. Sorry._

_-Kendall_


	2. James' Letter

**_A/N- Yay! Another one done today! These letters are tough to write! =D This is James' perspective, and no, I have no revealed where exactly Logan is or what happened. (You shall find out soon enough!) PLEASE review! It only takes a minute! =D_**

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><p><em>Dear Logan,<em>

_Just so you know, I really don't want to write this thing. Herring told us it would 'help', and my mom is saying I have to so whatever. They said it might be best to talk about it from the beginning, so I guess I will. _

_I had just been at the pool, and I came into the apartment. Mama Knight was standing at the kitchen counter, and Kendall was sitting at it. Mama Knight looked like she'd been crying, and Kendall _was_ crying. He was staring into space, tears streaming down his face. I don't even think he knew he was crying. He wasn't really showing any emotion, despite the tears streaming down his face. Mama Knight explained to me that...She explained to me what happened, and I suddenly felt breathless. It's like all the air left my body. I fell to the ground and was sobbing, and I realized I wasn't making any noise. It's like I couldn't. My body was wracking and I was crying but I wasn't making any sound. Carlos came in then. I know it was him because I saw his helmet hit the ground after a few minutes, though I wasn't really hearing anything. _

_We moved back to Minnesota the next week. It wasn't like when we had to move back the first time. The first time, sure we lost our concert and album and stuff, but this time, we...We lost so much more. I miss you so much, Logan. Carlos, he hasn't really been coming to school much. He cuts himself and he's been drinking. Well, he stopped cutting a couple weeks ago, but he drinks. A lot. I'm the only one who knows. He was in the school bathroom during second period one day. I went in and smelled the alcohol, which wasn't any surprise, really, but the only person in there was Carlos, sitting in the back of the back stall, a bottle of whiskey in his hand. I immediately took it from him and got mad at him, but he yelled at me that there was nothing else to do. He took it back and ran out. I didn't see him again at school that day. _

_Our therapist, Herring, told us to be completely honest here and to tell how we really feel, and Logan, I feel abandoned. I know you didn't mean to and that it technically wasn't your fault, but Man...You left! You're gone, and now things are so different. We don't even really hang out THAT often anymore. Kendall and I went to a hockey game a couple weeks ago, but we just sat there the whole time. I don't even think either of us remember who won. It's been 129 days since it happened, and it doesn't ever get better. I think I'm depressed, Logan, and what is it called when you don't eat? Anorexia? Well, I don't mean not to eat, but I've lost twenty pounds since you left. I know you'd probably feel guilty about that, but it's not your fault. Please just know that it will never be your fault. None of it us. _

_So, what's going on with me? I don't know. Herring said to just act as though we're writing a normal letter, but we both know it's not a 'normal' letter in the slightest. Well, Kendall and I tried to join the hockey team again, but they wouldn't let us back in. Well, it's not they wouldn't, they said that they _can't_ let us back in. Whatever. I don't think I could have played it anymore anyways. Not without you there. _

_My mom keeps trying to get me to go visit you, but I just can't. I can't bring myself to do. She says that it would be 'good for me', but I don't know..I just can't. _

_In any case, I hope I see you soon, Logie._

_No, I _will_ see you soon._

_-James_


	3. Carlos' Letter

**_A/N-HEY! =D I got Carlos' letter done, and then the next chapter! =D I'll post the next chapter today if I get FIVE more reviews, so if you FINALLY want an explanation, PLEASE REVIEW! =D _**

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><p><em>Dear Logan,<em>

_I hate this. I really don't want to write this, but my dad is sitting next to me, making me. He says he's worried about me, but I don't know why. _

_So, our stupid therapist told us to be honest, so I guess I'll be honest. I cut myself, and not on accident. I..I uhm, I used a razor blade. I did it almost every day for a few months. I stopped though! I guess I realized how pointless it was. Though, I have been drinking. I know I should, especially 'cause I'm not legal yet, but...Logan, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I drink, and there's just enough booze in me, the pain goes away. I don't even have to be completely drunk, just a little bit. Whenever I'm sober, I'm hurting. Everything hurts and I don't know where to turn. Kendall and James say that they're there for me, but they're hurting too, and I don't want to burden them anymore. Speaking of which, I honestly haven't heard from them in a long time. Kendall used to come over to my house nearly every day after school. I guess to just make sure I wasn't cutting, and when I stopped, I guess he didn't see the need to keep coming. James caught me drinking in the school bathroom . He hasn't told anybody that I know of, but he got pretty ticked at me. I just yelled at him and ran out. I guess I'm just a coward. I don't want to face my problems, so I run. Although, I mean...I don't really know _how_ to face these problems, Logie. I miss you so much. We all miss you. We're a trio instead of a quartet, and the balance is just completely off. But like I said, we're not even a trio anymore. I hardly see Kendall or James anymore. I only really ever see them at school, and even then, I'm hardly there. _

_Our fans are pretty down, too. Do you know how many facebook groups are dedicated to you? _

_2,485. _

_Yeah, I counted. They're all about how they miss you and wish you'd come back. I actually joined a lot them, though I haven't done much social interaction since it happened. I remember when Mama Knight told me, too. I was in complete denial. I kept telling her that it couldn't be. That I'd just seen you. I dropped my helmet, and ran out. I think I left my helmet there, too, actually. Though I don't really remember. (I just know I haven't worn it since we left L.A.)_

_I tried to come and visit you. I got to the parking lot and just sat in my car for three hours. (Yeah, I got my license and my parents got me a car for my seventeenth birthday, though it was kind of a hollow prize.) _

_I sat there with our music playing in the CD player, just listening. I ended up leaving without getting out. I just couldn't do it. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn't. _

_You had to go and do it, didn't you? You had to go and leave? Wait, no...I'm sorry. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's mine. I should have offered to play video games, or go swimming, or play on Swirly with you when I saw you, but I didn't and I'm so sorry. I just miss you so much. It's not the same. It's just not the same. _

_If I could I would change it. I would change everything. _

_I miss you, Logie._

_-Carlos_


	4. Worldwide

**_A/N-Well, I didn't get five reviews, but I decided to go ahead and post it anyways. =] But now, PLEASE review! It only takes a minute! =D  
>Finally, here is an explanation as to what happened. =] <em>**

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><p><em>What Happened<em>

Kendall was lounging in the living room of 2J, watching movies, when his mother oh-so-slowly entered the apartment. A look of horror and sorrow was on her face. She silently motioned Kendall to one of the bar stools at the counter. He curiously got up and walked over, sitting down slowly.

"Mom, what happened?" He asked. "Is someone hurt? Where's Katie?"

"Sh-she's fine." Mama Knight told him. "But...But I just got a call from the hospital downtown."

"Downtown?"

"Yes." She nodded. "It seems Logan's been in a car accident."

Kendall's bushy eyebrows raised, "...Accident?"

"Kendall, honey..." She said, placing her hands over his that were rested on the counter. "He didn't make it."

"What?"

"Oh, Kendall." She attempted to hug him, but he stayed stock-still. Tears started to stream down his face, but he didn't realize it. He stared into space and didn't move, not really able to comprehend it. Suddenly, the apartment door opened and James entered. He had a towel over his shoulder, which he dropped when he caught sight of Kendall.

"What happened?" He demanded.

"James, Logan's been in a car accident." Mama Knight repeated. "He was in a cab downtown, and a drunk driver ran a red light and t-boned them."

"I-Is he alright?" James asked. He could feel his breath quickening.

"He didn't make it to an ambulance." She said softly. James inhaled quickly, feeling himself starting to hyperventilate. Nearly immediately, though, the air was completely gone and he was on the ground, silently sobbing while simultaneously gasping for breath. And that's when Carlos entered the apartment. His lopsided grin was gone right when he saw James and Kendall. Mama Knight explained to him what happened, as well, and he felt his heart drop.

"No." He stated. "He's not! I just saw him a couple hours ago!" He rambled on, pleading for her to be wrong. He dropped his helmet and ran out of the apartment. Kendall seemed to snap out of his trance and he looked at his mom with the most heartbroken glance.

"Please, Mom..." He pleaded softly.

"Honey, I am so sorry." She whispered, tears now streaming down her own face. He shook his head and ran up to his room. James was against the wall, his knees drawn up to his chin. Tears were falling unashamedly and he was shaking. Mama Knight was about to comfort him when Katie walked in. Mama Knight let out a shuddered sigh when she saw her. She'd yet to tell her, and she wasn't really looking forward to repeating the story a fourth time.

"Katie, come here, Sweetie." She put her hands on Katie's shoulder's and kneeled in front of her. "Logan was in a car accident."

"Well, he's alright, right?" Katie asked with a shrug. "Did he go to the hospital?"

"No, Katie, Honey." Mama Knight inhaled shakily. "He..He died."

"Mom...No." Katie shook her head. "B-But he's..He's like my brother!" Katie exclaimed. "He can't be dead! Please tell me you're lying to me! Please!"

"Katie, I'm not." Mama Knight shook her head. "I'm not lying. I'm sorry."

Katie threw her backpack on the ground and ran to her room. Being the stubborn pre-teen she was, she didn't let her mom see her cry. But as soon as her door shut, she was sobbing. Logan was like her brother. He was as much of a brother as Kendall was, and James and Carlos. He couldn't be gone!

_One Year Later_

Kendall, Carlos and James had flown to L.A. the previous day, and now, at nearly 8 'o clock in the evening, they stood to the side of the road where Logan's accident happened. Carlos had since quit drinking, realizing that someone just like him (an alcoholic) killed Logan, and he knew that he had to stop. Kendall stopped blaming himself and James got himself out of the rut he'd managed to work himself into. Now, at the side of the road, they each held a single white rose, and the letters they'd wrote those months ago. (Though it seemed like so much longer) Kendall was about to start speaking, when he saw a group of maybe twenty people walking slowly toward them. There was his mother, Katie, Gustavo, Kelly, Camille, Jo, and a bunch of people from the Palm Woods, each carrying a white rose. He'd have liked to say he was surprised, but he wasn't. It was absolutely no surprise that they had come. What _was_ a surprise, however, was the groups of _other_ people that slowly started to appear. No one said a word as more and more people showed up. Soon, there must have been at least 200 people, mostly teenage girls, in the small patch of grass that was off the side of the road. Deciding that he'd go ahead and say what he was going to say, Kendall turned and faced the crowd.

"A year ago today, the world lost a great guy." He started. A few 'amen's could be heard throughout the crowd. "The stupid drunk driver took his life, and that's something that we have to deal with now." Kendall continued. "Logan wouldn't want us to..To blame ourselves, or beat ourselves up over it, because he knows that there was nothing we could have done. Absolutely nothing."

"I used to cut myself." Carlos spoke up. James and Kendall stared at him, shocked. He just stood next to Kendall, gripping the rose and letter. "I..I need to get this in the open. I cut myself after it happened. I thought that if I could control one type of pain, then the other would go away." He explained. "But I was wrong. I realized that, and I stopped."

The fans that were gathered there watched him intently, their hearts breaking at hearing such devastating information.

"But..But then I started drinking." Carlos continued, causing a few gasps to resound. "That _did_ get rid of the pain, but..But it was the worst way possible. I realized I was just as big a monster as the man who took Logan's life, and I couldn't keep living like that. So, I've been sober for four months and counting." He grinned a satisfied grin, and applause rang out.

"We wrote these letters." James spoke up, now joining Carlos and Kendall. "We wrote them about eight months ago. They're to Logan. We..We wrote the things that we felt. The things that we were going through at the time."

"We decided that keeping them in a drawer would be useless." Kendall stated.

"And we wrote them after the funeral, so we couldn't bury them with him." Carlos added.

"So we're going to burn them, right here." James finished, motioning to the ground. There was already a small shrine. There were teddy bears, a wreath, ribbons and pictures.

Kendall, James and Carlos knelt to the ground and James passed out the matches.

"You guys ready?" He mouthed, and Kendall and Carlos nodded. They each struck the match in turn and slowly held them under the neatly folded letters. The papers smoldered a bit before burning up, sending little red ashes into the wind. They all watched as they floated away, a deep feeling of contentment _finally_ settling over the three boys that were left behind.

"'Cause I'll be thinking about you, Worldwide, Worldwide, Worldwide."

Kendall, Carlos and James looked up, surprised. A fan that was standing near the front of the crowd at started singing softly, her eyes shut and tears rolling down her cheeks. Soon, everyone joined in, including the boys.

"I'll be thinking about you, Worldwide, Worldwide, Worldwide." They continued. Soon, the entire crowd was singing that line, just over and over again.

"I'll be thinking about you, Worldwide, Worldwide, Worldwide."

Not a single person there wasn't crying. Even Gustavo had a few tears behind those bug-eye sunglasses.

"I'll be thinking about you, Worldwide, Worldwide, Worldwide."

The each slowly laid their roses on the ground, near the few burnt bits of their letters, all the while still singing. Then, the Palm Woods people added their own roses. Before long, white roses were scattered everywhere.

Carlos dropped to his knees in front of them, his head bowed.

"I'm sorry Logan." He whispered. "I'm sorry I hurt myself. I promise I won't do it again. I won't hurt your memory like that ever again. I promise."

"We love you, Logie." James added, his hands on Carlos' shoulders. Kendall wrapped his own arm around James' shoulder and added with a whisper,

"we will never, ever, forget you, Logan."

Then, as if by a freak of nature, a _giant_ gust of wind swept down, sweeping all of the roses into the street and up into the air. And as the flowers gently floated back down, the remaining members of Big Time Rush sang, one last time,

"I'll be thinking about you, Worldwide,"

Tears fell, and hearts were broken, but on the mend.

"Worldwide."

BTR will never be a band again, but they were brothers, and they would forever remember their fourth brother they'd lost.

"Worldwide."


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